A game of Pretend, anyone?

Growing up on a goat farm gives you plenty of time to play pretend.
As a little girl I mastered playing pretend.
I was a lioness, a school teacher, a circus performer, a singer, a mom.
As I grew older I didn't lose my ability to play pretend.
As my teen years began to creep into existence I would pretend to have a happy family.
I pretended to be a daddy's girl.
I pretended to have a wealthy daddy and a mommy who cooked delicious Czech meals.
I pretended that we went on family vacations.
As I grew deeper into my teens and into my early twenties, I would pretend more.
I pretended to have confidence.
I pretended to be intelligent.
I pretended that boys liked me.
I pretended to be unique.
I pretended to be artistic.
I pretended to be edgy.
To this day, I still find myself playing pretend.
This type of play is spurred on by the society represented in media.
I am being told to pretend to be some kind of woman, some kind of human that I'm not.
I am told to be a size that I'm not.
To have hair color that I don't have.
To carry myself in a way contrary to what is natural.
So at times I give in and I play pretend.
I seem to think that who I am is this edgy, funky, artistic girl that just so happens to have a perfect figure.
Truthfully... I'm not as edgy as I try to portray and I'm not always the most creative person and at times I've gone extreme lengths to attain an 'ideal' figure.
So time and time again I come to a decision to forget what is being whispered into my life.
'Nicole... to be a good wife you must keep your butt as tight as a snare drum.'
'Nicole... your not as good of a photographer as this person... you are doing so much wrong'
'Nicole... this is how you should be acting as a woman of your age'
People keep telling me there is something missing. Something missing in making me completely what I am supposed to be.
But I'm calling bullshit.
I am completely who I am... I just haven't discovered every aspect of myself yet.
But I think that in order for this discovery process to keep marching on I need to claim what I am and what I'm not.
So here's a few things I will share, proudly and humbly:

• I will never know what it's like to be a daddy's girl or to be a young girl calling someone daddy
• My mom hasn't cooked in years -- let alone left her house.
• I grew up in a highly confusing family full of Czechs and Celts without distinct traditions -- the Celts were tainted with the Czechs and the Czechs were tainted with the Celts.
• I have cellulite, yep sure do.
• I don't like to wear bright, attention drawing clothing -- I like the earthtones -- browns, greens, some reds -- more bohemian than edgy.
• I am naturally a redhead although I prefer dark hair.
• I take about 200 photographs to find 10 that I like.
• I highly dislike mushy love stories.
• I, sometimes, feel more comfortable talking to animals than humans -- thanks to the goats!
  
• I love the way getting a tattoo feels -- but I'm not always sure I made the best decision on getting tattoos.
• Sometimes the Quran makes more sense to me than the Bible.
• I have rather large calves and a slight dent in my chest that keeps me from wearing low-cut shirts and displaying any cleavage -- which is very irritating.
• I love to paint -- but at times I have to start over again and again because I'm still not as creative as I hope to be -- sometimes I have to look at other peoples paintings to get inspired.
• My favorite movie is Once.
• My favorite books -- Three Cups of Tea, The Irresistible Revolution, Jesus For President, The Perks of Being a Wallflower, The Scarlet Letter and In Cold Blood.
• I don't like sermons -- not long ones.
• I don't like long blogs either -- but today I'm a hypocrite.
  
• I compare myself to other people... daily.

I could keep going... there's a lot more about me to share -- but I wanted this to be one of the first times I wrote down in words bits & pieces of my character -- in the great story of my life.
I am hopeful to continually accept the adventure of truth, authenticity and life and to turn my back on the world of pretend.