Belleville, Kansas

Here's to you hometown
And the memories that have shaped me
The daily breakfast stop at Kravemore's with my grandparents
The mud pies I made my sister eat
The goats that became my dearest friends, regardless of their desires
The camoflauged boat where I spent my infanthood fishing with grandpa
The fried potatoes my grandma would make every evening for supper and I'd always have seconds
The old swing set where I first discovered mosquitos and bruises
The fireflies
The numerous pets that I still know by name
The grumpy horse I was bound to befriend, before it bit me
The summer softball I played with passion
The man on Sunset Drive that gave away quarters on Halloween...I hated him
The friendships I developed on J Street
The obstructive loudness of the races each summer
The spice girls
The hands of my grandmother crocheting afgans to keep us warm
The library's rocking chair where I often went to read about adventure
The chocolate covered pretzals we made every Christmas
The trashy trailor park where we temporarily lived
The strawberry and banana pudding I would steal from my grandma's fridge
The barbie car go-cart my uncle created for me
The after school drinks for jr. highers at the Goose Crossing
The Belleville Actors Guild and forensics team
The pink house
The lady who pierced my bellybutton, she taught me an unforgettable lesson
The room where I played school with my sisters
The streets where I learned to ride my bike
The swimming pool I peed in
This is my ode to you Belleville
No other town or city has done for me what you have
And I will never forget where I came from and I will not be ashamed
I am already missing what we had
I wish you the best and may you bless the lives of your other inhabitants the way you have mine

I never realize a moment has happened until well after it has passed.
I have said my vows with great sincerity and promise,
I have joyfully celebrated our union,
I have taken dominion in his habitat, shaking things up a bit,
but I have yet to realize what all of this is.
I'm pretty sure I'll never realize the panaramics of marriage,
but I breath and I live and I love.
Life is a fast flowing river.
It has swiftly taken me into the arms of commitment.
It's unbelievable that this is where I am at in my life.
It's challenging and unpredictable.
And I love it.
We know where we are for today, but tomorrow is a surprise.
And it's beautiful.
We grasp and cling to our love, our commitment of love, our love that only exists through our
God,
We hold onto one another as we take a backseat to the journey of our life.
Allowing love to conquer fear, pursuing righteousness, celebrating liberation and seeking justice.
The toils of the world--it's promise of perfection, it's emphasis on wordly treasures are not our desires.
We are now giving our life to our God and He is strong and able.
Therefore, we will not fear the uncertainties.
We will not fear pain or tears.
For our God has dressed the fields of lilies better than any girl on her wedding day.
He has given the leaves of the trees veins of life.
And yet, I never realize these things until after I have already had fear and doubt.
So typical of me.
But here's to life, love, marriage, peace, laughter, joy, justice, mercy and happiness.

FROM THE WOMB I AM MISSING

Sometimes it feels like such a nightmare that there is no way anyone could believe it's true.
It's quite radical, but I have no mother.
I have no mother.
I was born from flesh.
But I have no mother.
I was fed by milk.
But I have no mother.
My diapers were changed and my face was cleaned.
But I have no mother.
I know not where she's at, but if you find her, please tell her I miss her.
Tell her that I long to tell her about my fears.
I want her to comfort me.
I yearn for her to support my dreams.
I want her to guide me through difficult times.
I want her to fix my wedding veil.
I'd love for her to call me out of fear that I'm in danger.
I want her to to want to go wedding dress shopping with me.
I need her to love me for who I am.
I want her to listen to my cries.
You may ask how am I alive and well without this motherly being?
Well, how I'm alive is a miracle.
But I'm not well.
In fact, I'm very unwell.
So please, if you see her, beg her to come to me.
Let her know of my distress.
Tell her of my accomplishments and dreams.
Show her my picture.
For she knows me not.

The Life of a Paradox

How is it that man can be both miniscal and brillant?
Both meaningless and exalted?
How is man a living paradox?
Man in comparison with all existence is but an atom in the ocean.
The universe is too vast for man to explore or imagine.
Yet man is chosen by God to be in His image, to be the caretaker of all creation, to reflect
His love and to receive His salvation.
Perhaps in the eyes of the cosmos, man is like a flea.
Yet even our fleaness is made up of intricate details.
The seemingly insignificant skin covers the body parts, the body parts house tendons,
organs, bones, the organs house blood... It appears that all the vastness of the universe is
also contained in man.
Praise be to God for the beauty of all creation. Awe to it's wonder. Even the atom in the ocean has been intricately crafted to contain spledour and glory.

Visions Of An Unknown Splendour

God's purpose in our creation baffles me.
Why did He create us to need sleep and rest?
Why visions in the midst of the night?
Why dreams and nightmares?
There is something grand in sleep that goes unrecognized.
A plan of God that is often unseen.
Perhaps sleep takes us to a new realm of intercourse.
A time when our skepticism, clutterness and doubt cannot interfere.
Do you believe in visions?
Sometimes I doubt the visions of historical characters like Margery Kempe, Julian of Norwich, Meister, Bernard of Clairvoux.
But I have come to the realization that I have had visions of my own.
Just as awkward and motivational as the ones of past.
My first was when I was just a child of 8.
I remember it clearly.
It was a vision in the form of a dream.
Me holding the hands of two young people.
Behind them was a train of more young people.
All of us latched to one another in unity of hands.
Around us screaming holes of depth with fire and smoke.
Possibly Hell, or hell on Earth.
I took them down a street, towards the clear brightness of sunlight.
My first vision.
It finally makes sense to me as I look upon the days of my life.
I see where God has placed my passion.
The vision is clear and real.
And it happened while I was in the midst of inability to react.
Restfully covered in cotton and wool.
How God reveals Himself is never dull.
It makes me hunger for more of Him.
More Visions of His Unknown Splendour.

This is the revolution

Welcome to the fallout:
Where the truth and the shadows have become blurred.
This is the incompletion...and we are holding our breath.
But look!
The winds of redemption have come within the confines of our frozen fists.
"Behold, I make all things new."
And in this newness is hope for the hopless, where the eternal lines of heavens collide with our own humanity.
In the divine comedy where up is down and down is up we lose ourselves to find ourselves.
Love is the movement.
This is the revolution.

beauty not worth striving for

Since 8th grade I have been a vain girl.
I strived for beauty contained in definitions and images.
Even yesterday was the same.
But today is different.
Here's the thing, my confidence was determined by how much I ate and how many calories I burnt in a day.
If I didn't go to the gym, I was not beautiful.
Today I'm not going to the gym.
I'm not going to the gym for awhile.
Here's the thing, I want to be healthy but I want that to be the reason that I am going to the gym.
That hasn't been the reason.
Until I understand what kind of beauty is worth striving for I am not going to feed these existing lies.
Here's the thing, I must understand the beauty that I have been suffocating.
This beauty is already existing.
It is the beauty of merely being a woman, made in the image of Beauty itself.
I must learn that sexiness is not weight, haircolor or build.
I must learn that my value is not contained to physical attributes.
Here's the thing, beauty is not something I am striving for.
It's something that I have.
Finally, I am going to set it free.