She

This past weekend Ben's dad and brothers came to visit us.
One night, I took his brothers, Jake and Eli to see a movie.
On the way back to Sterling, I was messing around with Eli when he said,
"Dad... Nicole's eating my brains, She's attacking me!"
Nothing unusual was said. This is how Eli and I interact. I pretend to eat his brains.
But something extraordinary hit me when he said it this time.
She's attacking me.... She.
I stopped to soak in what I just heard. He called me 'she'.
I've been called it before. But never has it resonated so profoundly.
I said to myself, "That's right Eli... I am a she."
Pride flooded my spirit.
Often I hate being a woman. There's unwanted monthly visits, extreme societal pressures, pregnancy (if I so choose), menopause (of which I have no choice), undeniable stereotypes, inequality in many spheres and a smorgesboard of sexual jokes.
But at that moment, I smiled.
I grinned.
In the word 'she' is a great part of my identity.
I am woman, hear me roar.
I am the carrier of indeniable beauty.
I am the womb that gives life.
I am the strength that fights for love.
My own uniqueness as a woman is irrefutable.
But there is a common bond, a sisterhood of similarities that make women exceptional.
I can't name this common bond. I don't think it's motherhood, I don't think it's compassion, I don't think it's beauty.
It's something greater, found in our creator that we haven't completely captured.
Whatever it is, I will carry it with pride.
As I grow older and my feminity continues on the journey, I will not forgot the joy I experienced when he called me she.
As my "dairy aire" becomes more bodacious, as stretchmarks decorate my body, as my breasts become more at rest, as wrinkles make their home around my eyes and and lips... I will hold my head high.
I am a flower blooming. I am continually growing into a woman.

I am a she.
I am her.
And so I go on, sharing this feminity with the world.
In hopes that it will reach the darkest crevices of the world and provide light and life.
And as for now, I smile. Admiring what my creator has given me.

An American Masquerade

We cover our eyes with our faith & our dreams

We put on the gowns of our identity

We await our turn to make an entrance down the spiral staircase

We march around in our affectation

We pretend to know who we are

We pretend to know who you are

We don't want to see the wrinkles of your life

So then you can't see ours

We would rather pretend to know

Why can't we ripe off the masks?

Let others see our bloodshot eyes

Let them see our running mascara

So we can see theirs

Why can't we rip off the gowns?

Let ourselves be what we are

Let others be who they are

Oh, what I would do to destroy this American masquerade

Chaos wrapped in a packaged & tied with a red ribbon

Although I could take five blogs to discuss politics

and the remarks of McCain supporters

I have decided to no longer concentrate on such comments

but rather celebrate that I am witnessing something that will go down in the history books

I am anxious.

I am anxious about how I can help the world

and how the world will help me.

I desire to be among those whom others are fearful of,

whom others ignore because of this fear,

whom others deny, whom others prefer not to talk about.

This anxiousness of mine has given me great passion and great uneasiness.

I've learned the good and bad of such.

Sometimes you have to let go to hold on.

Sometimes you have to go slow to get somewhere quickly.

I have had to let go many desires and thoughts that I can change the world.

I've had to do this so I can hold closely a passion that will have great influence on others.

I've had to let go of the thought that the world's suffering will end because of my actions,

in doing so I have held closely God's promise and ability to place myself and others in many situations where we can positively influence others.

I've had to let go of desire to leave everything behind and go straight to the places I want to be.

In doing so, I've held on to the importance of investing into a community

and seeing the influence I can have in all places.

I've held onto the truth that it takes time to reach your ideal place and position.

I am bound for dirty and dusty places.

I am bound to rub elbows with filth.

I am bound to see God, caked in mud and with the scent of Scotch.

I am bound to follow Jesus into these places.

I am bound to leave those places never the same.

Recently I have been encouraged.

By a man I barely know and a man I know very well.

I have been challenged to stop hiding.

To let my talents, my personality and my thoughts be noticed.

Therefore, most of the photographs that you have seen on my blogs are mine.

I am just a little worried, I suppose.

I want to be humble, but confident.

I want to be confident, but not prideful.

So bear with me as I attempt to let myself be what I am.

The main reason for this blog is to say I have no other profound thoughts.

Life is good. Very good.

Ben & I are absolutly soaking up the newlywed life.
We have built wonderful relationships here at Sterling.

And we look forward eagerly to the rest of lives.

To our friends elsewhere, we miss you.

Thank you for your support and the challenges you offered us.

I hope we have done the same.

And to clear the air. There are no babies on the way.

Not for a long time as long as I am in control.

And Finally: My Ode to Lauren, my sister:

Oh Lauren,

How can words capture the essence of such a being.

A girl full of spunk.

A girl who hugs tree trunks.

She is like her sister.

Artsy and not a mister.

She takes the most wonderful photos.

Especially of her hott older sister.

She makes it hard to right an poetic ode.

I don't know wheter to rhyme, scream, cry, or kiss a toad.

She is beautiful, witty, intelligient and fun --

Can she really be my relative?

Of course!

Who is could carry such wonderful genes?!?

Oh Lauren,

You are a unique creature.

A special feature.

Oh Lauren,

Oh Lauren.

No longer a creature of captivity

Many times in my life I've tamed wild horses

I've repeated the process countless times

I have the strength & courage to break the free-spirit of a stallion

But I don't know how to tame my own

My spirit burns for experience

It longs for numerously different adventures

It is not easily broken by reigns of comfort

Nor is it domesticated by fences

It has the ability to leap higher than these fences

It's passion to run is not altered by the whips of reality

How can a wild animal be tamed?

How can a firey spirit be calmed?

How can passion & peace co-exist in the heart of a woman?

Should such a spirit be brought to a place of restraint?

Or should it be allowed to roam & run in fields of freedom & liberation?

Political Ponderings

The Election is close

I have chosen my side

I feel it's the right choice

My heart aches for change

A change for the lonely and forgotten

Many people think I am denying my faith by my political choice

How can a Christian believe in such a thing?

I'm not "pro-choice" I explain

I do not believe it is a womans right to have an abortion

I do think that there is a better plan through education & freedom

Then we can find in more rules & restrictions

I am pro-life completely

I want little babies to stay alive

I want war to be an option rarely considered

I want the homeless and the hungry to have resources

I want broken families to be repaired

I want the trees to keep standing

I want the little kittens and gigantic whales to experience their lives to the fullest

I do not just take a political party and fight for it if I don't believe it wholeheartedly

I'm not registered as a Republican or Democrat

I just want to help America in whatever way I can

I want to help America help other countries too

I have a lot of friends who differ from my views

They perhaps tend to be a bit more "conservative"

But they've taught me a lot

And we've given each other different challenges

I like that

I like that we can talk and not argue

I like that we don't have to bash each other

I like that we don't have to be hypocrites

Saying we want change

We must be willing to be the seed of it

Something new and exciting is happening

I sense it, I think

If I became President

I would probably just throw huge Mundies parties in the White House

I already know who my running mate would be

And I know who I'd want in my Cabinet

So, I guess my point is I know where I stand now

It may change

It may not

But I hope that no matter what happens

We stay united in an active plan for many changes

And we participate in these plans

As Derek Webb says

"We'll never have a Savior up on Capital Hill"

So You Want An Adventure?

As a little girl I dreamed of adventure

Either I was a princess in need of a knight to carry me away

Or I was a gypsy

Wandering distant lands

Or I was an Indian girl protecting my tribe

But Never would I expected the adventure I am currently on

I've thought of adventure as traveling the world

Learning different languages

Climbing the highest mountain

Exploring the darkest caves

Experiencing a whole new culture

All these things I would still love and hope to do

But they can't compare to the adventure of marriage

To experience complete transparency is more grand

than seeing the clear beaches of Cozumel

To witness the growth of love is more breathtaking

than standing at the top of Eiffel Tower

To awake each morning remembering your vows is more exciting

than a bull run in the streets of Spain

Although I have only been married 5 months

It has been the most adventorous time in my life