Through My Lens

Purchased the new 'Swell Season' album -- inspiration for this blog? Absolutely.

Just the sound of their instruments and voices raise words from my deepest to the tips of my fingers.

I'm doing this blog a bit different than my usual -- rather than relying on mere words to form my expression, I'm going to facilitate another one of my joys -- photography.

Consider it a recollection of moments in my life captured in photographs that brew up anticipation and hope for what is yet to come -- perfect for afternoon tea and the music of 'The Swell Season'.

A game of Pretend, anyone?

Growing up on a goat farm gives you plenty of time to play pretend.
As a little girl I mastered playing pretend.
I was a lioness, a school teacher, a circus performer, a singer, a mom.
As I grew older I didn't lose my ability to play pretend.
As my teen years began to creep into existence I would pretend to have a happy family.
I pretended to be a daddy's girl.
I pretended to have a wealthy daddy and a mommy who cooked delicious Czech meals.
I pretended that we went on family vacations.
As I grew deeper into my teens and into my early twenties, I would pretend more.
I pretended to have confidence.
I pretended to be intelligent.
I pretended that boys liked me.
I pretended to be unique.
I pretended to be artistic.
I pretended to be edgy.
To this day, I still find myself playing pretend.
This type of play is spurred on by the society represented in media.
I am being told to pretend to be some kind of woman, some kind of human that I'm not.
I am told to be a size that I'm not.
To have hair color that I don't have.
To carry myself in a way contrary to what is natural.
So at times I give in and I play pretend.
I seem to think that who I am is this edgy, funky, artistic girl that just so happens to have a perfect figure.
Truthfully... I'm not as edgy as I try to portray and I'm not always the most creative person and at times I've gone extreme lengths to attain an 'ideal' figure.
So time and time again I come to a decision to forget what is being whispered into my life.
'Nicole... to be a good wife you must keep your butt as tight as a snare drum.'
'Nicole... your not as good of a photographer as this person... you are doing so much wrong'
'Nicole... this is how you should be acting as a woman of your age'
People keep telling me there is something missing. Something missing in making me completely what I am supposed to be.
But I'm calling bullshit.
I am completely who I am... I just haven't discovered every aspect of myself yet.
But I think that in order for this discovery process to keep marching on I need to claim what I am and what I'm not.
So here's a few things I will share, proudly and humbly:

• I will never know what it's like to be a daddy's girl or to be a young girl calling someone daddy
• My mom hasn't cooked in years -- let alone left her house.
• I grew up in a highly confusing family full of Czechs and Celts without distinct traditions -- the Celts were tainted with the Czechs and the Czechs were tainted with the Celts.
• I have cellulite, yep sure do.
• I don't like to wear bright, attention drawing clothing -- I like the earthtones -- browns, greens, some reds -- more bohemian than edgy.
• I am naturally a redhead although I prefer dark hair.
• I take about 200 photographs to find 10 that I like.
• I highly dislike mushy love stories.
• I, sometimes, feel more comfortable talking to animals than humans -- thanks to the goats!
  
• I love the way getting a tattoo feels -- but I'm not always sure I made the best decision on getting tattoos.
• Sometimes the Quran makes more sense to me than the Bible.
• I have rather large calves and a slight dent in my chest that keeps me from wearing low-cut shirts and displaying any cleavage -- which is very irritating.
• I love to paint -- but at times I have to start over again and again because I'm still not as creative as I hope to be -- sometimes I have to look at other peoples paintings to get inspired.
• My favorite movie is Once.
• My favorite books -- Three Cups of Tea, The Irresistible Revolution, Jesus For President, The Perks of Being a Wallflower, The Scarlet Letter and In Cold Blood.
• I don't like sermons -- not long ones.
• I don't like long blogs either -- but today I'm a hypocrite.
  
• I compare myself to other people... daily.

I could keep going... there's a lot more about me to share -- but I wanted this to be one of the first times I wrote down in words bits & pieces of my character -- in the great story of my life.
I am hopeful to continually accept the adventure of truth, authenticity and life and to turn my back on the world of pretend.

My Ode to Westside Denver

Four months ago I made a journey through prairies, rainstorms,

cattle farmers, rural settlements and sunflower fields into a fully satisfying view of

the Rockies with paintings of an urban sky framing the majestic heights.

As our car rolled into the chaos of this mile high city we soaked in the

new colors that our eyes were being exposed to.

The skyline embraced us.

And the life of an urban cultivator beckoned us.

So here I am living in this city.

Attempting to cultivate love and life in Westside Denver.

Our neighborhood, our home is our new farmland.

And we have quickly become part of a family.

A large family full of foreigners, orphans, widows, gang members, single moms,

spunky children, drug addicts and mere humans.

However, within our family, we no longer claim these titles.

We all fall under a category that has been cast onto humanties.

But we are throwing those names as far as east is from the west,

and we are embracing each other as brother, sister, father and mother.

I have never experienced a family like this.

I have never experienced a home like this.

Westside Denver has loved me beyond what I deserve, and my attempts to love in return

shy in comparison to what I have received.

From the graffiti walls that decorate my streets, to the sky lights that guide my

late night bike rides, to the dirty, barefoot children playing in my front yard calling my name,

to the beatiful mothers who have adopted me as their own,

to the sounds of sirens that echo in my night slumber.

Every aspect that makes up Westside Denver has provided me with

challenges, healing, love, life and courage.

I am proud to call you home.

I will stand within your realms, offering who I am to cultivate love and life

within the great, messy, beautful and painful fields of your land.

For at this time in my life, I am Westside Denver.

Look, closer.

There come's a time when you stop and listen.

You listen for your life.

For your breathing.

Do you hear it?

The air circulating through your lungs.

Life.

That's right, you're alive.

You've made it through.

Perhaps even been resurrected from the darkness.

Now look at your feet.

Move your toes.

Stand.

That's right, you're capable.

Capable to stand on your own and run.

Run from your captors.

Now look at your hands.

Are they chained?

Or are they free.

Are they capable of moving in spontaneous motions and directions?

That's right, you're free.

Free to be who you are.

Now look in your own eyes. See yourself.

I've seen my life, my capability and my freedom. I've seen who I am and I'm never going back to who I thought I was.

It Wasn't Me

I have a problem.

Many, truthfully.

But this one in particular is a virile steamroller.

I despise being misinterpreted.

Not only despise -- but it destructs my daily activities.

Atleast until I confront these misinterpretations --

Either with the one who has perceived these misconceptions

or with myself.

I want people to know me.

To truly know me.

And not only to know me,

But to distinguish me.

In spite of this, I canopy myself and prance around in a masquerade.

I put on the veil of humor, crudeness or simple avoidance.

I am tremulous and hesitant to share myself.

I have this fear that someone will point out some inconsistency or flow in my being.

Possibly, I am more fearful to come to the conclusion that I'm not who I think I am.

Perhaps I'm merely a walking billboard of idealogies.

With no depth.

I think I am being challenged to discover me -- my thoughts, my ideas, my beliefs, my likes, my dislikes.

And it's quite enjoyable.

Truly being what I want to be.

Recommendations:

1. Gather fresh chicken eggs into a basket and make them for breakfast.

2. Go to Syria.

The Intersection

And here I am.

Walking in the sky.

Where the sky meets the ground.

Although we can't see the blue,

Doesn't mean the blue isn't around.

We see it when we look up.

But we can't see it at our right.

We are all in the sky.

We are at the intersection of the blue & green.

And underneath us busyiness in the dirt brown.

The layers of the earth each carrying life.

The ants and the rats and the grasshoppers.

And here we are.

Walking on the final layer of the earth.

Where the blue & the green intersect.

We are the bridge between this blue & this green.

And so I say.

When I die.

Lay me in the field where the blue & the green intersect.

Where my death brings life.

Where the flowers can feed from me and grow into the sky.

Where the creatures of the dirt can feast and celebrate.

And my very death can continue to give life to this place.

Where the blue and the green intersect.

We Can Do It

After a recent conversation I became aware of how many people are unaware of

true feminism.

It has been wildly misrepresented by 'anti-feminist' and 'feminist'.

I think everyone should be a feminist, a true feminist.

And because of this, I blog.

Merriam-Webster tells me that Feminism is:

1. The theory of political, economic & social equality of the sexes.

2. Organized activity on behalf of womens rights.

Let me describe to you what I think true Feminism is, and I think it falls nicely into the dictionaries interpretation.

Feminism doesn't mean women are 'naturally' or otherwise smarter or better than men.

It simple means we want the equal right to show our unique intellect as individuals, not as a sex.

Feminism doesn't mean that women should use their 'femininity' to get ahead, be it in the work realm, political realm or social realm. In fact, this is quite the opposite of feminism.

Feminism doesn't condone dressing in immodest manner to build your own personal power over the opposite sex (or same sex) and it doesn't mean that you can use what physical attributes you have to gain status/popularity over another woman. This is quite the opposite of feminism.

Feminism doesn't mean you are 'independent' of men. Being in a relationship doesn't take away independence, rather it encourages it's growth -- learning independence in the midst of dependence. And depending on man for love and support doesn't mean you are not a feminist.

Feminism doesn't mean trying to prove yourself as a woman -- you are a woman no matter what anyone says, you have a vagina therefore vagina=woman. A feminist doesn't need to prove their 'feminism' or who they are. They are confident as is.

Feminism is confidence. It is the ability to see equality in men and women. It is in the drive for this equality, not just equality for women, but equality for men as well. Feminism is not about using the unique 'attributes' we have as women to have power over man. It is about honoring that uniqueness and knowing that it is your mind, thoughts and soul that will permanetly captivate people.

Feminsim is recognizing the beauty of woman and clutching onto it so tightly as to not let it get away and shake up the world too quickly. We have powerful abilities as women, we must be careful of how much of it to release onto the whole world. Already woman have released their physical attributes to the world and the world has been devastated by it.

Feminism is not about a movement or bra-burning (although fun and highly recommended) -- it's about a philosophy and lifestyle.

Feminism is best approached not in violent or rash protests or heated debates, but in revolutionary subordination.

Kill them with our love.

Kill them with our patience.

Kill them with our peace.

Kill them with our womanhood -- and all of it, not the physical side that has been advertised, but the inner workings of the woman's spirit.

(don't literally kill them, by the way, but do put to death their negative thoughts about women.)

Feminism should be something so deeply sewn inside of your being that you encounter it on a daily basis -- as you look in the mirror, as you interact with others, as you encounter thoughts about yourself or others, as you watch t.v., as you read, as you play.

I encourage you to add more thoughts to what I have written and to the current thoughts stirring in my mind.

What else do you think Feminism contains?